My Game's Secrets - Tali Messing

Software Engineering Manager, Facebook Lite

What are the ladders (opportunities, tools) that have been most useful to you in the game?

My main ladders have been support and mentorship for sure. At every company I have worked in, I have actively sought out mentors and sponsors that will tell me what I’m doing well and build me, but also focus me on what I. need to do next to grow and be better.

I believe that in addition to mentorship I have leaned heavily on my husband who has been my rock and biggest cheerleader throughout. He has believed in me more than I have believed in myself since the day I started this crazy journey and it has been a huge factor in propelling me forward.

What are the snakes (challenges, barriers) that you've dealt with

over the years?

Over my career I believe the 2 dominating factors holding me back were Imposter Syndrome and the Tightrope.

Imposter Syndrome because coming from a "haredi" background with limited education I always assumed that I was less informed and less trained than my peers and not a “natural technologist” taking apart computers from the age of 10. This has made me hold back from sharing my opinion not tens, but maybe 100s of times.

The Tightrope is another one I’ve struggled with. I’ve worked at companies where the only way to be heard was to take on a more aggressive dominant persona that on one hand helped me advance professionally but that didn’t feel authentic to me. I have been told at times that I am “too nice” and won’t be able to manage large teams with authority, or high stake relationships/projects. Turns out you can be nice and still get stuff done. I will add one more aspect which is that I have never planned my career but just gone where the wind takes me. I believe that most promotions or role changes were driven by people that saw potential in me and decided to give me an opportunity, not because I ever asked for it or worked towards it. I believe this is a common phenomena with women (not all, but common). I have never offered a man a new extended role and have him “ask for time to think about it with his wife”, while I’ve heard many women debating and taking time to decide whether they can really juggle the extra expectations with their home responsibilities.

What does "playing the game" mean to you?

My strongest tool/rule for the game has been my willingness to be uncomfortable and be wrong, “fake it till I make it” and be ok starting off at the bottom and clawing my way back up.

Between every job transition between companies I always took a significant step up in terms of complexity and scope that the new role required rather than finding another job in a company that was similar to what I was doing before.

Each time, I had months where I was asking myself why in the world I would do this to myself again, start from scratch again with so much to learn and really no clue how to be successful in the new environment.

But in the end I would learn it, and then I would find myself a significantly better engineer or manager than I had been before.

I also now believe in leaning in to who I am authentically and using my strengths that I bring to the table to be successful rather than trying to be successful copying what I see others doing.

My “superpower” is my ability to generate trust and loyalty from my reports, so while there are other leaders out there who might have people follow them because they are the smartest people in the room, or the loudest, or the most powerful, I know that when it comes down to it people will follow me because they trust me and they know that I will have their back no matter what.

How would you define victory regarding gender diversity in the work place?

I’ll be honest, I come from a culture where we still believe women and men are fundamentally different and so I can’t tell you that my goal is that we have 50-50 representation in tech offices.

But I know that there are countless women out there who are underpaid, undervalued, or not reaching their full potential either because the system doesn’t allow them to, they are not getting enough support or because they don’t believe in themselves enough that they can do it. It is those women that I wish we could reach, one at a time and help them achieve their wildest dreams. I believe the world would be better off if we did.

The goal of project "My Game's Secrets"

is to get to know women who moved up the career ladder

in an impressive way, women who inspire us to do the same.

In this project we can learn from their experience and insights along the way.

We hope that by that women who read these quotes and interviews,

will become more aware of the game that takes place in the work place,

and will become more active and assertive players.

The experiences and advice given by these inspirational women

can help us all play the game better

and be more aware of the need for change.

We will all Move Up together for gender diversity.

More Secrets right here